Winnowing

At times we must all undergo a winnowing season-- a time when we must separate what we must keep from what we must discard.  Doing so is rarely easy.  Oftentimes it is emotionally painful.  It is especially painful when WE are the ones being winnowed-  excluded and shunned by those we once held dear.  To realize we did not measure up and the relationship is no longer worth their efforts can be crushing. 

However, once we realize that there must be a reason, whether WE see it or not, we can begin to move through our own winnowing season.  Removing the chaff in our lives-- old expectations, outdated wishes, and other things that were never in our best interest-- leaves the grain behind.  Once we see what is real, we can begin to move toward what God has in store for us.  

I have been through the winnowing, by another, and my own.  

But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort -- the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person -- having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

I found the pain in poem at first, believing this friend and love had been lost to me.  Today, I see maybe I was wrong.  Maybe a true friend and love had yet to find me among the chaff I once refused to let go.  Maybe now I have been found among the grains.

Intensity

I have heard many people say, "You don't know what you've got until it is gone."  I believe that is true.  Conversely, I also believe you also can know what you have never had and can miss those things with such an intensity that the ache becomes overpowering, consuming.  

I have spent a lifetime searching for love.  I felt I could never know it, that I was not good enough for it, and that anyone spending time with me was just settling for something less than they truly wanted.  I never felt LOVE.  

I saw what I believed was love in relationships around me.  It was not in my relationship.  I got the gist of what "LOVE" was supposed to be, but, to me, it was like a foreign language.  Others could speak it, understand it, communicate it.  I was illiterate in it.  Probably dyslexic, dysgraphic, and dysfunctional, too.

I did find someone to love.  This was the first time I felt appreciated, welcomed, or anything else positive from another.  I fell fast, hard, intense....  I saw diamonds where there were ripples on the water.  I saw gold dust where the sun shone upon the sands. 

I thought I was loved in return.  I never heeded the words "will never," "cannot,"  or "never again."  Those words did not match the actions, the attention, or the affection I felt.  I believed surely that was not true.  I was so used to being lied to, that for once, maybe I was hearing lies that were masking GOOD things, not the same demeaning ones from before.  Yes, of course, that must be it.  How could something this good NOT be love?

This continued.  On and on it went, days, weeks, months, years...  Until one day the walls came down.   No, this was only in my imagination.  No, I was not in a relationship and never would be.
No, I was never loved.   Devastation.  Intense.   I was left in a vacuum.  No air.  No sound.  No love.   Nothing at all.  Time passed like blackberry brambles being dragged across tender skin.  Agonizing.  Intense.  

Every realization made the ache worse.  I realized I was OK only when we were not with other friends, with family, with kids, with coworkers, with acquaintances, with ANYONE.  I was alright when it was convenient to be around me. I was acceptable when it was convenient.  And, I was OK with all that.   When I asked, I always heard "I'll pass on that."  When I was asked, I always said, "OK, we can do that."  When I needed to talk, I heard "uncomfortable with that topic."  I cut away whatever parts of myself did not fit the mold.  Finally I lost my voice completely.  I lost myself once again.  When there was nothing left of ME, it was my fault.  I was in the wrong.  I misunderstood everything all along.  I never "got it."  

Well, I finally did "Get it!"  Intensely---- I got it!!

Shooting Stars

I wish I may, I wish I might.... 
I saw a shooting star tonight.
It was there, but now is gone.
No other saw. Just me, alone.
Only one brief, beautiful light
Through my tear-blurred sight.
Will I see it another season?
Or is it gone, without any reason?

Sabotage

Do people really do things on purpose to sabotage their own success?  What about relationships?  Can a person somehow behave in a way that attracts only ones who would be virtually incompatible?  

You betcha.  I have.  Repeatedly.   Dates I have been on, and relationships I have sought after have all been with ones who would not be well-suited for me, or in the case of one who could have been better suited, that one had no intention of entering into a committed relationship.

So, what do I do to change this?  I don't know-- I have not figured that one out yet.   Should I say to myself, "Oh, that looks like someone I might want to go out with.  Therefore, I should avoid that person like the plague"?  That seems totally illogical  and yet very logical at the same time.   Instead, I simply keep to myself, not dating or seeing anyone.  At least this way I am not on the verge of more heartache...

Shells

Shells.  

Beautiful.     Protective.    Concealing.    Limiting.     Painful.

Shell games.  

See what you want to see.  Meanwhile the one in  control of the shells will never let you see it all.  Never let you win.  

A fool will only see what he wants to see.   Will hear things that were never said.  Will believe what can never come true.  And, will have no one to blame but himself.  

I am such a fool.  I thought, foolishly, that there would someday be an "us."   I allowed myself to be used.  Knowingly.  Willingly.  

Desperate to have that connection with the one I cared (care) for,  I accepted less than I wanted, needed, or deserved.   

Now, I am simply an empty shell.  Hollow.  Hard.  Closed off.  Unwilling to open up again.   

Settling

We can never have all of exactly what we want, exactly when we want it.  Our resources limit us.  Tending to the needs and wishes of family members about also prompt us to adjust our wants.  Few people would say that doing so would be wrong.

But what about personal relationships?  Love?  Marriage?  Should you ever compromise on WHOM you choose for that relationship?  Cupid, fireworks, heart palpitations, passion, romance, chemistry--  aren't you supposed to have all that in a "good" relationship?  Maybe you will have that.  Great.  Wonderful.  Next topic please.  However, I don't.

What do I have?  I have a divorce after a 20+ year marriage and multi-year courtship prior to that.  The divorce was welcomed.  I chose it.  I am in no way looking back.  That is a done deal-- except for the scar tissue sustained as a result of those decades in a bad relationship.  Now I have the fear that any future relationship will be like the one from my past.   I know this sets me up for a long, hard road.  No one to blame but myself for this thinking..

What else do I have?  I have a friend who is irreplaceable.  Would I want a committed, life-long relationship with this friend?  Yes.  Have we tried?  I can't say that each person has given it the chance to develop.  My friend has commented that becoming a step-parent again will never happen.  I have children living at home.  I have let my feelings be known, albeit badly.  Our friendship reached an almost crisis point some time back.  My friend asked "Please don't give up on me," indicating a deeper relationship was possible.  A few months and life events later, I am not sure where we stand.  All I know is that I feel that we are even farther apart.  

This happens year after year, starting in late spring and lasting through the summer.  For some reason, during fall and winter we seem to come back together as friends again.   Today?  I am clueless.  Again.

Meanwhile, I spend my time wanting the kind of relationship I have never had, with a person who does not want that, with me.

Settling for the friendship (for a total lack of a word to accurately describe us) and not seeking what I would want with someone else-- that is what I have been doing.  Am I happy with that?  No.  Am I willing do sacrifice the friendship?  Absolutely not.  

Do I honestly believe that someone would want a future with me?  A few have seemed interested in doing that.  I have not allowed myself to believe it is really true.  

So, I am settling for a whole lot of nothing...  Pretty much the same thing I had while married, except now there is only one name on the mailbox, not two.

Do you know love when you see it?

There are many ways to show someone you love them.  At its most basic, fundamental level, love is taking care of someone's needs- physical, emotional, or otherwise.  But when you look at it that way, that is just babysitting.  Love is more than that.  Isn't it?

In books, love is romanticized by sacrifices, heroic sacrifices.  Soldiers make the ultimate sacrifice for their countries.  But, is that love?  Surely love is not bullets and bombs.

In movies, love is simply a word used for dramatic effect to legitimize a physical encounter.    Love is just a euphemism for sex.  It sells tickets.  It creates unrealistic, idealized, photo-shopped scenes that some people use for comparison.  And, when life cannot live up to Hollywood's in-your-face depictions, so many people just throw away something good, something real.  They think it is not "love."

So, what is love?  Most people express love in the way that they want to receive expressions of love.  When you go out of your way to show the person you love that you do love them, remember, they may not express it in the same way.  And, if you think that the one you love doesn't love you, stop and look at what they know and feel is "love."

Maybe Pooh said it best when talking to Piglet.  Love is something you feel.

Life is a Swing

Life is a swing.  In the beginning, everyone needs a little nudge, a push in the right direction.  With time, you get stronger and can go higher and faster on your own.  On your best days you feel absolutely weightless.  Just a moment later, the weight of the world seems to be crushing you with its enormous burdens.  Even if you stop and get away for a time, you could still be knocked over by another's actions when you least expect it.


     But, when you are moving forward and you've gone as far as the swing can take you, you just need to overcome your fears.  Let go.  Jump.  Fly!

Long Journeys

I have heard over and over the almost trite saying "The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step."  I disagree.  Long before I ever move the first muscle to make that first step, I have agonized over all the possible outcomes, consequences, pros and cons of making that journey.  What if I make it?  What if I fail?  What if I realize too late that this choice has taken me farther from the destination I truly desire?

I have to deliberately ask myself, "What if I DON'T try?"  In my over-analysis and what-ifs, I generally overlook that fundamental question.   In an abstract way, I know why I (and so many others) hesitate:  it is fear.  Fear of the unknown leads us all to hesitate, to pull back, and, ultimately, to give up on so many things.

So, I ask myself. "What do I want to be/do/have 3 years from now, 5 years, 10 years?"  I also have to also ask myself, "What will I be/do/have in 10 years if I don't?"  The answer is crushingly simple:  10 years older with 10 more years of regrets.

"Father's" Day

Today was Father's Day.  I am honored to know many men who were and are tremendous fathers.  They set a great example for the ones around them to follow.  They work hard.  They put their families needs before their own wants.  They do what is right, just because it is right, not for fame, glory or attention. 

 My own dad was this way.  He taught me to think things through, to plan, to analyze.  He worked as what was called a pattern maker... No, not the sewing pattern stuff.  When an engineer drew up plans to make a part for a machine, he had to take the idea from paper and create the original part.  From his pattern, they would make molds and then could manufacture the parts.  Yeah, he had to make other people's ideas into reality.  He tried to do the same for his own kids.   He wanted us to turn our ideas into reality.


However, one of the most important things he taught me was to be honest without fail.   To him, the most sacred thing an adult could do to a child was to keep a promise made to the child.  Don't EVER tell a child you are going to do something and then not follow through with it.  He knew that empty promises to children were devastating to them, whether to go to the park, swimming, fishing, or "next time we will...."  He saw the pain and the broken hearts when the "next time" never happened.  But even more so, he knew that it taught the child that he was not important.  Worse than that, it created a future adult who would do the same thing to the next generation of children.

That kind of adult, unfortunately, is the other parent to my own sons.  My sons starved for attention from their other parent while we were married.  They still do.  They believe every lie they are told and every promise made, in spite of a lifetime of disappointment from each and every promise broken, no matter how small of an effort it would make to keep it.

I am devastated to see them making the same kinds of empty promises to friends, teachers, employers, to other family members, to me, and worst of all, to their youngest sibling.  

I have to do all that I can so that my sons will one day earn the title of being a "DADDY," not just a "father."

Nothing

Whenever things get quiet at night, there is nothing left to drown out the constant mental obsessive loop that is my brain.  No kids, no job, no appliances running.  Nothing to interfere.  Nothing to distract.  And, when you're single with no hopes of ever being in a relationship, no warm body softly breathing beside you to give you a sense of comfort and companionship.  That is nothing--  knowing there is no one who wishes to be with you.