Intensity

I have heard many people say, "You don't know what you've got until it is gone."  I believe that is true.  Conversely, I also believe you also can know what you have never had and can miss those things with such an intensity that the ache becomes overpowering, consuming.  

I have spent a lifetime searching for love.  I felt I could never know it, that I was not good enough for it, and that anyone spending time with me was just settling for something less than they truly wanted.  I never felt LOVE.  

I saw what I believed was love in relationships around me.  It was not in my relationship.  I got the gist of what "LOVE" was supposed to be, but, to me, it was like a foreign language.  Others could speak it, understand it, communicate it.  I was illiterate in it.  Probably dyslexic, dysgraphic, and dysfunctional, too.

I did find someone to love.  This was the first time I felt appreciated, welcomed, or anything else positive from another.  I fell fast, hard, intense....  I saw diamonds where there were ripples on the water.  I saw gold dust where the sun shone upon the sands. 

I thought I was loved in return.  I never heeded the words "will never," "cannot,"  or "never again."  Those words did not match the actions, the attention, or the affection I felt.  I believed surely that was not true.  I was so used to being lied to, that for once, maybe I was hearing lies that were masking GOOD things, not the same demeaning ones from before.  Yes, of course, that must be it.  How could something this good NOT be love?

This continued.  On and on it went, days, weeks, months, years...  Until one day the walls came down.   No, this was only in my imagination.  No, I was not in a relationship and never would be.
No, I was never loved.   Devastation.  Intense.   I was left in a vacuum.  No air.  No sound.  No love.   Nothing at all.  Time passed like blackberry brambles being dragged across tender skin.  Agonizing.  Intense.  

Every realization made the ache worse.  I realized I was OK only when we were not with other friends, with family, with kids, with coworkers, with acquaintances, with ANYONE.  I was alright when it was convenient to be around me. I was acceptable when it was convenient.  And, I was OK with all that.   When I asked, I always heard "I'll pass on that."  When I was asked, I always said, "OK, we can do that."  When I needed to talk, I heard "uncomfortable with that topic."  I cut away whatever parts of myself did not fit the mold.  Finally I lost my voice completely.  I lost myself once again.  When there was nothing left of ME, it was my fault.  I was in the wrong.  I misunderstood everything all along.  I never "got it."  

Well, I finally did "Get it!"  Intensely---- I got it!!