At times we must all undergo a winnowing season-- a time when we must separate what we must keep from what we must discard. Doing so is rarely easy. Oftentimes it is emotionally painful. It is especially painful when WE are the ones being winnowed- excluded and shunned by those we once held dear. To realize we did not measure up and the relationship is no longer worth their efforts can be crushing.
However, once we realize that there must be a reason, whether WE see it or not, we can begin to move through our own winnowing season. Removing the chaff in our lives-- old expectations, outdated wishes, and other things that were never in our best interest-- leaves the grain behind. Once we see what is real, we can begin to move toward what God has in store for us.
I have been through the winnowing, by another, and my own.
But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort -- the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person -- having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.
I found the pain in poem at first, believing this friend and love had been lost to me. Today, I see maybe I was wrong. Maybe a true friend and love had yet to find me among the chaff I once refused to let go. Maybe now I have been found among the grains.
I have heard many people say, "You don't know what you've got until it is gone." I believe that is true. Conversely, I also believe you also can know what you have never had and can miss those things with such an intensity that the ache becomes overpowering, consuming.
I have spent a lifetime searching for love. I felt I could never know it, that I was not good enough for it, and that anyone spending time with me was just settling for something less than they truly wanted. I never felt LOVE.
I saw what I believed was love in relationships around me. It was not in my relationship. I got the gist of what "LOVE" was supposed to be, but, to me, it was like a foreign language. Others could speak it, understand it, communicate it. I was illiterate in it. Probably dyslexic, dysgraphic, and dysfunctional, too.
I did find someone to love. This was the first time I felt appreciated, welcomed, or anything else positive from another. I fell fast, hard, intense.... I saw diamonds where there were ripples on the water. I saw gold dust where the sun shone upon the sands.
I thought I was loved in return. I never heeded the words "will never," "cannot," or "never again." Those words did not match the actions, the attention, or the affection I felt. I believed surely that was not true. I was so used to being lied to, that for once, maybe I was hearing lies that were masking GOOD things, not the same demeaning ones from before. Yes, of course, that must be it. How could something this good NOT be love?
This continued. On and on it went, days, weeks, months, years... Until one day the walls came down. No, this was only in my imagination. No, I was not in a relationship and never would be.
No, I was never loved. Devastation. Intense. I was left in a vacuum. No air. No sound. No love. Nothing at all. Time passed like blackberry brambles being dragged across tender skin. Agonizing. Intense.
Every realization made the ache worse. I realized I was OK only when we were not with other friends, with family, with kids, with coworkers, with acquaintances, with ANYONE. I was alright when it was convenient to be around me. I was acceptable when it was convenient. And, I was OK with all that. When I asked, I always heard "I'll pass on that." When I was asked, I always said, "OK, we can do that." When I needed to talk, I heard "uncomfortable with that topic." I cut away whatever parts of myself did not fit the mold. Finally I lost my voice completely. I lost myself once again. When there was nothing left of ME, it was my fault. I was in the wrong. I misunderstood everything all along. I never "got it."
Well, I finally did "Get it!" Intensely---- I got it!!
