Puzzles

Puzzles.... noun, verb.  Thing, state of being.  People.

People I meet remind me of jigsaw puzzle pieces. 

Some people have a gaping hole in them.  They feel empty and alone.  This void is not easy to see.  It is even harder to fill.  A casual passer-by will not see the depth of loneliness within this puzzle piece.  They might see a small chink in the puzzle person's armor.  However, the puzzle person keeps her guard up high enough prevent anyone from getting too close-- arm's length is plenty close enough.  Arm's length is within striking distance of the heart and thus is too dangerous.

Other people are reaching out, hoping to catch hold of something good and safe and real.  They desperately grasp at anything, anyone.  Nothing works.  The contact is superficial, brief, temporary.  Bonds are easily broken.  They do not latch on to anything or anyone.  You can see them with outstretched arms, desperately wanting to be held fast by another only to see them slip away again and again when no one draws them in.

Sadly, neither puzzle person can see their help-meet, their partner, their complement is there beside them.  Right there!  They may try.  Clumsily, awkwardly fumbling, spinning around, they attempt to connect with one another.  Frustration clouds perception.  Despair is ever present.  Hope is not within them any longer.  

Bonding with another is not made by casual contact.  It requires effort.  Puzzle people cannot shuffle about and think they will just miraculously, magically connect with their match.  Puzzles (and people) don't come together that easily.  Study and see commonalities-- real ones!  Find the same bedrock values, then match the details.  Even now a match is not guaranteed.  The next step requires more effort than you have expended before.  You must move.  Pick yourself up.  Try.     

You must pick yourself UP.  Move.  Try.  If it fits, it fits.  If not, do not force it.  Listen to God.  

He sees things that we, as incomplete puzzle pieces, cannot comprehend while shuffling about.

Beautiful Thorns

“Roses and thorns are parts of the same plant. Somehow though, some people are concerned mainly about the roses. The rose is not on the plant for more than a week, but the thorns are there forever.Roses are teaching that the beauty of life will bloom, once you have taught yourself the lessons given by living with the thorns.” 

When the Wind Blows

No matter from whence the wind blows, it moves us all.  Each one feels it in her own way.  


There are those who will sway and yield to the wind, no matter how slight. 





Some will be broken by the wind and never recover.  











Others may survive, but forever be twisted and scarred.

But, the ones who grow strongest are the ones who have learned to stand firm in the zephyrs that come their way each day, and to have faith that the tempests that overtake them shall end just as surely as they began.

Winnowing

At times we must all undergo a winnowing season-- a time when we must separate what we must keep from what we must discard.  Doing so is rarely easy.  Oftentimes it is emotionally painful.  It is especially painful when WE are the ones being winnowed-  excluded and shunned by those we once held dear.  To realize we did not measure up and the relationship is no longer worth their efforts can be crushing. 

However, once we realize that there must be a reason, whether WE see it or not, we can begin to move through our own winnowing season.  Removing the chaff in our lives-- old expectations, outdated wishes, and other things that were never in our best interest-- leaves the grain behind.  Once we see what is real, we can begin to move toward what God has in store for us.  

I have been through the winnowing, by another, and my own.  

But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort -- the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person -- having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

I found the pain in poem at first, believing this friend and love had been lost to me.  Today, I see maybe I was wrong.  Maybe a true friend and love had yet to find me among the chaff I once refused to let go.  Maybe now I have been found among the grains.

Intensity

I have heard many people say, "You don't know what you've got until it is gone."  I believe that is true.  Conversely, I also believe you also can know what you have never had and can miss those things with such an intensity that the ache becomes overpowering, consuming.  

I have spent a lifetime searching for love.  I felt I could never know it, that I was not good enough for it, and that anyone spending time with me was just settling for something less than they truly wanted.  I never felt LOVE.  

I saw what I believed was love in relationships around me.  It was not in my relationship.  I got the gist of what "LOVE" was supposed to be, but, to me, it was like a foreign language.  Others could speak it, understand it, communicate it.  I was illiterate in it.  Probably dyslexic, dysgraphic, and dysfunctional, too.

I did find someone to love.  This was the first time I felt appreciated, welcomed, or anything else positive from another.  I fell fast, hard, intense....  I saw diamonds where there were ripples on the water.  I saw gold dust where the sun shone upon the sands. 

I thought I was loved in return.  I never heeded the words "will never," "cannot,"  or "never again."  Those words did not match the actions, the attention, or the affection I felt.  I believed surely that was not true.  I was so used to being lied to, that for once, maybe I was hearing lies that were masking GOOD things, not the same demeaning ones from before.  Yes, of course, that must be it.  How could something this good NOT be love?

This continued.  On and on it went, days, weeks, months, years...  Until one day the walls came down.   No, this was only in my imagination.  No, I was not in a relationship and never would be.
No, I was never loved.   Devastation.  Intense.   I was left in a vacuum.  No air.  No sound.  No love.   Nothing at all.  Time passed like blackberry brambles being dragged across tender skin.  Agonizing.  Intense.  

Every realization made the ache worse.  I realized I was OK only when we were not with other friends, with family, with kids, with coworkers, with acquaintances, with ANYONE.  I was alright when it was convenient to be around me. I was acceptable when it was convenient.  And, I was OK with all that.   When I asked, I always heard "I'll pass on that."  When I was asked, I always said, "OK, we can do that."  When I needed to talk, I heard "uncomfortable with that topic."  I cut away whatever parts of myself did not fit the mold.  Finally I lost my voice completely.  I lost myself once again.  When there was nothing left of ME, it was my fault.  I was in the wrong.  I misunderstood everything all along.  I never "got it."  

Well, I finally did "Get it!"  Intensely---- I got it!!

Shooting Stars

I wish I may, I wish I might.... 
I saw a shooting star tonight.
It was there, but now is gone.
No other saw. Just me, alone.
Only one brief, beautiful light
Through my tear-blurred sight.
Will I see it another season?
Or is it gone, without any reason?

Sabotage

Do people really do things on purpose to sabotage their own success?  What about relationships?  Can a person somehow behave in a way that attracts only ones who would be virtually incompatible?  

You betcha.  I have.  Repeatedly.   Dates I have been on, and relationships I have sought after have all been with ones who would not be well-suited for me, or in the case of one who could have been better suited, that one had no intention of entering into a committed relationship.

So, what do I do to change this?  I don't know-- I have not figured that one out yet.   Should I say to myself, "Oh, that looks like someone I might want to go out with.  Therefore, I should avoid that person like the plague"?  That seems totally illogical  and yet very logical at the same time.   Instead, I simply keep to myself, not dating or seeing anyone.  At least this way I am not on the verge of more heartache...