Sabotage

Do people really do things on purpose to sabotage their own success?  What about relationships?  Can a person somehow behave in a way that attracts only ones who would be virtually incompatible?  

You betcha.  I have.  Repeatedly.   Dates I have been on, and relationships I have sought after have all been with ones who would not be well-suited for me, or in the case of one who could have been better suited, that one had no intention of entering into a committed relationship.

So, what do I do to change this?  I don't know-- I have not figured that one out yet.   Should I say to myself, "Oh, that looks like someone I might want to go out with.  Therefore, I should avoid that person like the plague"?  That seems totally illogical  and yet very logical at the same time.   Instead, I simply keep to myself, not dating or seeing anyone.  At least this way I am not on the verge of more heartache...

Shells

Shells.  

Beautiful.     Protective.    Concealing.    Limiting.     Painful.

Shell games.  

See what you want to see.  Meanwhile the one in  control of the shells will never let you see it all.  Never let you win.  

A fool will only see what he wants to see.   Will hear things that were never said.  Will believe what can never come true.  And, will have no one to blame but himself.  

I am such a fool.  I thought, foolishly, that there would someday be an "us."   I allowed myself to be used.  Knowingly.  Willingly.  

Desperate to have that connection with the one I cared (care) for,  I accepted less than I wanted, needed, or deserved.   

Now, I am simply an empty shell.  Hollow.  Hard.  Closed off.  Unwilling to open up again.   

Settling

We can never have all of exactly what we want, exactly when we want it.  Our resources limit us.  Tending to the needs and wishes of family members about also prompt us to adjust our wants.  Few people would say that doing so would be wrong.

But what about personal relationships?  Love?  Marriage?  Should you ever compromise on WHOM you choose for that relationship?  Cupid, fireworks, heart palpitations, passion, romance, chemistry--  aren't you supposed to have all that in a "good" relationship?  Maybe you will have that.  Great.  Wonderful.  Next topic please.  However, I don't.

What do I have?  I have a divorce after a 20+ year marriage and multi-year courtship prior to that.  The divorce was welcomed.  I chose it.  I am in no way looking back.  That is a done deal-- except for the scar tissue sustained as a result of those decades in a bad relationship.  Now I have the fear that any future relationship will be like the one from my past.   I know this sets me up for a long, hard road.  No one to blame but myself for this thinking..

What else do I have?  I have a friend who is irreplaceable.  Would I want a committed, life-long relationship with this friend?  Yes.  Have we tried?  I can't say that each person has given it the chance to develop.  My friend has commented that becoming a step-parent again will never happen.  I have children living at home.  I have let my feelings be known, albeit badly.  Our friendship reached an almost crisis point some time back.  My friend asked "Please don't give up on me," indicating a deeper relationship was possible.  A few months and life events later, I am not sure where we stand.  All I know is that I feel that we are even farther apart.  

This happens year after year, starting in late spring and lasting through the summer.  For some reason, during fall and winter we seem to come back together as friends again.   Today?  I am clueless.  Again.

Meanwhile, I spend my time wanting the kind of relationship I have never had, with a person who does not want that, with me.

Settling for the friendship (for a total lack of a word to accurately describe us) and not seeking what I would want with someone else-- that is what I have been doing.  Am I happy with that?  No.  Am I willing do sacrifice the friendship?  Absolutely not.  

Do I honestly believe that someone would want a future with me?  A few have seemed interested in doing that.  I have not allowed myself to believe it is really true.  

So, I am settling for a whole lot of nothing...  Pretty much the same thing I had while married, except now there is only one name on the mailbox, not two.